


I'll Kiss You In The Sunlight

by FeelsForBreakfast



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-06
Updated: 2012-12-06
Packaged: 2017-11-20 10:47:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/584564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeelsForBreakfast/pseuds/FeelsForBreakfast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day, when we’re old and no longer have these kinds of adventures, we’ll tell everyone about all the crazy things we did for love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Kiss You In The Sunlight

**Author's Note:**

> guys omg I don't even know if I like this anymore get it away from me get these feeling OUT

I thought that maybe love was supposed to be easy. That something that so many people wanted should be good and kind and shouldn’t hurt like this. I thought maybe if I loved you then that would fix everything, that nothing could hurt us.  
I thought that.  
(I don’t anymore.)  
She, the lie that holds my hand, guided me out of the party, and I was pathetic, and I was drunk on how pathetic I was. My shoelaces tangled around my feet as I stumbled down the industrial carpet and laughed and she told me she was sorry, that she didn’t know it would be like this at the beginning. But how could she have ever known when I didn’t know either.  
I broke this for us, because I was never good enough at pretending. I think I could have been, if I’d really tried.  
(I should have tried, for you.)  
And she made me drink glass after glass of water until I was sick and sober and I hated myself even more because there would be no pictures of us tonight, not of either us, just you in her hotel room like you’re all those things they call you.  
(You aren’t.)  
(You _aren’t_.)  
And I sat on the bed and put on the first shirt that smelled like you and ignored the way my lips pulled down into a frown, pulling tears with it on little crystal strings. And she stroked her fingers through my hair like you do and it didn’t feel the same and she told me she was sorry like a broken record and I told her that everything was okay.  
Then she told me she was sorry like a broken record and she was crying too, because no one thinks really, when they make their promises. I promised I’d protect you. I promised I wouldn’t let this touch you. I promised you the entire world.  
I’m not sure how many of those promises I’ve broken.  
(It’s more than one.)  
I told her I’d be okay, that I just wanted to be alone but she shook her head and took my hands in hers like always, but this time it was okay and I held back.  
It turns out there is more than one kind of love.  
And when you came in the door she stood and she murmured her goodnight and you never liked her but she squeezed your hand before she left and I think for the first time you understood.  
(I never wanted you to ever understand.)  
You stood in the doorway and I sat on my bed and I know you saw the tear tracks on my face and smelled the alcohol on my skin and I saw your face fall because I told you a million times I was okay and I think I made you believe me.  
(We’re good at believing the things we want to believe.)  
And you walked slowly over to me like I was made of something fragile like skin and bones and a heart and you sat down and put your arms around me. I couldn’t figure out if I was imagining the way your shirt smelled like perfume but suddenly I was crying, soft broken sobs that felt like my body was trying to cry out all the hurt.  
And your arms came around me and your body curled to mine as we tangled on the hotel bed, and you whispered that you loved me. You loved me. You love me.  
(I love you.)  
And you told me there was no need to cry but you were crying too, deep breaths that sent your chest heaving and tears that bled into mine when you kissed me.  
I told you that I was sorry, like a broken record, that I should have done better, and you told me that it’s beyond us, that there was nothing I could do. You told me that you could do this, to let you do this one thing for us.  
The thing is, I never meant for this to touch you.  
I thought if I just smiled a little brighter when I held her hand that they would let me love you. That they wouldn’t let any of this ruin reach you, wouldn’t clip your beautiful wings, that you could keep tattooing your secrets onto your body until you were covered with them.  
Covered in secrets.  
(You keep yours on your skin and I keep mine locked deep in my heart where no one can ever find them.)  
And I never anticipated this, this idea that I would do anything for you.  
(But I would.)  
We lay there, after the tears had dried, just me soaking in the way you felt, the familiar curve of your body and how you smelled.  
(Like you.)  
(Like me.)  
You told me that this would be over soon.  
I told you that it would never be over.  
You asked me if that was okay, if every moment we stole was worth it.  
It doesn’t matter if it’s worth it, I said, not anymore. But we can’t let them win. I won’t let them steal this.  
(And even if it doesn’t matter, it was worth it.)  
(You were worth it all.)  
And you told me that if you had the chance you’d give it up for me.  
That you’d give it all up for a place we could love each other.  
(I’d give it all up too.)  
And I said that that didn’t matter either, because we don’t get some other place. We get this Louis and Harry and that’s it. And it is hard. But if it’s meant to be then we’ll come out of it holding hands and one day we’ll kiss in the sunlight and tell everyone about all the things we did for love.  
(I will kiss you in the sunlight.)  
(I promise.)  
The alarm clock on the bedside blinked in the early morning light and you sighed like our whole world was on your chest because you’d been here far too long already. And I kissed you and tried on a smile and told you that you were doing so well, that the pretending got easier.  
Everything is going to be fine, I whispered in the doorway, your fingers on my hips. I pressed my hand to the lovebird on your chest, the smaller one with the sharp gaze, felt the rise and fall of your chest.  
The cage is closed but we’re not in it, I reminded you, moving to trace the birds on my own arm.  
You nodded, and I could see tears swimming in the darkness of your eyes, but I was strong again and I kissed them off of your face.  
Promise me, you said, promise me I can do this.  
And I said that you could.  
(Because you can.)  
I thought that maybe love was supposed to be easy.  
The truth is that it’s hard, that it hurts.  
But there’s a reason so many people want it.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated (:


End file.
